Marriage Vows 2013

-Hurry up and divorce us. We are waiting to buy houses... -It will save hundreds of thousands of RMB. Why not get divorce?

-Hurry up and divorce us. We are waiting to buy houses… -It will save us hundreds of thousands of RMB. Why not get divorced?

2013最新结婚誓言：“你愿意娶这个女人吗？爱她、忠诚于她，无论她贫困或者富有，健康或者疾病，直至死亡。即使你们因为买卖二手房而暂时离婚、再和别人结婚、再复婚也不离不弃、忠贞不二，就像从来没有分开过，你愿意吗?”

2013 Latest Marriage Vows: “Would you marry this woman? Love her, be faithful to her, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death. Even though you have to temporarily divorce her, marry another woman, and then remarry her for buying and selling second-hand houses, you will remain faithful to her and never abandon her, as if you two were never separated. Would you do it?”

[Note: This quip is related to the news story about Chinese couples getting divorce to avoid property tax in buying second-hand houses.]

April Fools’ Day Prank

april-fools-day-trick

虽然已经过了愚人节了不过还是发一下这个超绝整老师的方法，在黑板上写下“老师……我好累……”然后在窗台上摆好鞋子，最后大家横七竖八地躺在下面的地板上……这究竟是哪个暗黑的大脑想出来的，真是能一击就将老师的心灵推下深渊的感觉……

Although April Fools’ Day has passed, I still want to post this excellent way to punish the teachers. Write down “Teacher…I’m so tired” on the blackboard, then set out the shoes on the windowsill, and lastly have everyone strew the ground on the first floor…just which dark evil brain is this idea from? It truly feels like a heavy blow that will push the teacher’s heart all the way into the abyss…

Question at the Nature Class

wolf-children-ame-and-yuki

自然老师问：为什么人死后身体是冷的？没人回答，老师又问：没人知道吗？这时，有个同学站起来说：那是因为心静自然凉。

Nature [a subject in elementary school education which offers rudimentary knowledge in Biology, Geography, Chemistry, and, Physics] ]Teacher  asked: Why is the human body cold after one dies? Nobody answered. The teacher asked again, “Nobody knows?” At this moment, a classmate stood up [Note: In China, it's customary for students to stand up to answer or ask questions.] and said: It’s because  ”A calm heart keeps you cool” [Chinese proverb often used to calm people down when they are agitated by the heat in Summer].

13th-Level Pain

homer-simpson

小外甥给我出了一个题：“在医学上痛分12级痛。被蚊子叮是1级痛，生孩子是12级痛，请问13级痛是什么？”我想半天也没想出来什么比生孩子还痛，我说：“死。”他说：“NO，13级痛是生孩子的时候被蚊子叮！”

My little nephew threw me a question: Medically there are 12 levels of pains. Being bitten by a mosquito is the 1st-level pain, and giving birth to a baby is the 12th-level pain. What’s the 13th-level pain then?”  For hours I couldn’t figure out what pain would be greater than giving birth to a child. I responded, “Death”. He said, “NO. The 13th-level pain is being bitten by a mosquito when giving birth to a baby!”

炮友 [páo yǒu]

friends-with-benefits

炮友 [páo yǒu] n. Friends with benefits.

“老师，我11岁，想问一个问题。” “你好，想问神马？” “基友和炮友有什么不同啊？” 我顿时觉得一种来自祖国未来的压力…… 然后我想了想很认真地回答他：“基友就是一起吃肯德基的朋友，炮友就是一起吃泡面的朋友。前者注重交流，后者注重效率。”

“Teacher, I’m 11 years old. I want to ask a question.” “Hello. What do you want to ask?” “What’s the difference between Jiyou [Literally "gay friends"] and Paoyou [friends with benefits]?” I immediately felt a kind of pressure from the future of our country…I thought about it carefully and then answered him, “Jiyou is a friend who has meals with you at KFC (kěn dé jī), while Paoyou is a friend who eats instant noodles [pào miàn] with you. The former emphasizes communication, while the latter focuses on efficiency.”

[Note: Chinese students address any teacher by "Teacher" instead of "Mr.", "Ms.", "Dr.", or "Professor". As is shown in Pinyin, this is a joke based on homophones.]

Beautiful Story

lovers

男孩喜欢上了女孩，他向她表白，女孩拒绝了，她说：我整整比你大一岁。男孩说：我1个月时，你13个月。你是我的13倍。我2个月时，你14个月。你是我的7倍。我一岁时，你两岁，你是我的两倍。只要你愿意和我永远在一起，我们总在慢慢接近。。多美好的故事，居然被数学老师用来讲极限。

A boy fell in love with a girl. He confessed his love for her, but the girl rejected him. She said: I’m one solid year older than you. The boy responded: When I was one month old, you were 13 months old. Your age was 13 times of mine. When I was two months old, you were 14 months old. Your age was seven times of mine. When I was one year old, you were two years old. Your age was two times of mine. As long as you are willing to be with me forever, we will always be getting closer and closer…What a beautiful story! BUT it was used by the Math teacher to explain the concept of  ”Limit“!

女神 [nǚ shén]

Joey Wong aka Wang Zuxian was a "Goddess" in the 1990s.

Joey Wong aka Wang Zuxian was a “Goddess” in the 1990s.

女神 [nǚ shén] n. “Goddess”, referring to a woman of one’s dreams who is usually a 白富美 [bái fù měi].

喜欢一女神很久了，表白过一次被拒绝了，但是又会经常聊天。今天跟其聊天，中途有事走开了。我老妈冒充我继续聊，等我回来一看聊天记录，居然答应做我女朋友了，哈哈。老妈你太厉害了。 我只想说两点，1 姜还是老的辣 2 真不愧是亲生的

I had fancied a goddess for a long time. I once confessed my love for her but was rejected, but we kept chatting every now and then. Today, I was chatting with her when something came up, so I had to leave for a while. My mom pretended to be me and continued the chat with her. By the time I came back and checked the chatting records–she HAD agreed to be my girlfriend. Haha! Mom you are awesome! I just wanted to say two things: 1. Aged ginger is more pungent [Chinese proverb]; 2. I’m surely her biological son.

[Note: "Is this her/his biological son/daughter?" is often used as a punchline in Internet jokes "accusing" Chinese parents of being "ruthless".]

Utility of Scale

little-boy

今日幼儿测量身高体重，我把体重器搬到教室后，一幼儿悄悄的放了一只脚，当他发现有数字时，他马上叫来了伙伴，并激动的说:“快来，你站上去就知道自己几岁了”。我深深被天真打败了。

Today was for measuring and weighing kids at the kindergarten. After I brought the scale to the classroom, a little boy sneaked to the scale and put one foot on it. When he discovered a number popped up, he immediately summoned his friend, and enthusiastically said, “Come here. Stand on it, and you’ll know how old you are.” I’m deeply defeated by innocence.

[Note: "I'm deeply defeated by innocence" is adapted from a popular pun in a sketch of this year's CCTV Spring Festival Gala, which reads, "打败你的不是天真，是无鞋（无邪）What defeats you is not naivete, but shoelessness (innocence)". Since 无鞋 and 无邪 are homophones (wú xié), it has been trending to say, "I'm defeated by XX's naivete/innocence/cuteness".]