I’m proud that I’m flat, I save cloth for China.
I’m proud that I’m flat, I save cloth for China.
Gotta go back to our high schools to do some tomb-sweeping on Qingming Festival, because our youth is buried there.
2013 Latest Marriage Vows: “Would you marry this woman? Love her, be faithful to her, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death. Even though you have to temporarily divorce her, marry another woman, and then remarry her for buying and selling second-hand houses, you will remain faithful to her and never abandon her, as if you two were never separated. Would you do it?”
[Note: This quip is related to the news story about Chinese couples getting divorce to avoid property tax in buying second-hand houses.]
Although April Fools’ Day has passed, I still want to post this excellent way to punish the teachers. Write down “Teacher…I’m so tired” on the blackboard, then set out the shoes on the windowsill, and lastly have everyone strew the ground on the first floor…just which dark evil brain is this idea from? It truly feels like a heavy blow that will push the teacher’s heart all the way into the abyss…
Nature [a subject in elementary school education which offers rudimentary knowledge in Biology, Geography, Chemistry, and, Physics] ]Teacher asked: Why is the human body cold after one dies? Nobody answered. The teacher asked again, “Nobody knows?” At this moment, a classmate stood up [Note: In China, it's customary for students to stand up to answer or ask questions.] and said: It’s because ”A calm heart keeps you cool” [Chinese proverb often used to calm people down when they are agitated by the heat in Summer].
My little nephew threw me a question: Medically there are 12 levels of pains. Being bitten by a mosquito is the 1st-level pain, and giving birth to a baby is the 12th-level pain. What’s the 13th-level pain then?” For hours I couldn’t figure out what pain would be greater than giving birth to a child. I responded, “Death”. He said, “NO. The 13th-level pain is being bitten by a mosquito when giving birth to a baby!”
炮友 [páo yǒu] n. Friends with benefits.
“老师，我11岁，想问一个问题。” “你好，想问神马？” “基友和炮友有什么不同啊？” 我顿时觉得一种来自祖国未来的压力…… 然后我想了想很认真地回答他：“基友就是一起吃肯德基的朋友，炮友就是一起吃泡面的朋友。前者注重交流，后者注重效率。”
“Teacher, I’m 11 years old. I want to ask a question.” “Hello. What do you want to ask?” “What’s the difference between Jiyou [Literally "gay friends"] and Paoyou [friends with benefits]?” I immediately felt a kind of pressure from the future of our country…I thought about it carefully and then answered him, “Jiyou is a friend who has meals with you at KFC (kěn dé jī), while Paoyou is a friend who eats instant noodles [pào miàn] with you. The former emphasizes communication, while the latter focuses on efficiency.”
[Note: Chinese students address any teacher by "Teacher" instead of "Mr.", "Ms.", "Dr.", or "Professor". As is shown in Pinyin, this is a joke based on homophones.]
A boy fell in love with a girl. He confessed his love for her, but the girl rejected him. She said: I’m one solid year older than you. The boy responded: When I was one month old, you were 13 months old. Your age was 13 times of mine. When I was two months old, you were 14 months old. Your age was seven times of mine. When I was one year old, you were two years old. Your age was two times of mine. As long as you are willing to be with me forever, we will always be getting closer and closer…What a beautiful story! BUT it was used by the Math teacher to explain the concept of ”Limit“!
女神 [nǚ shén] n. “Goddess”, referring to a woman of one’s dreams who is usually a 白富美 [bái fù měi].
喜欢一女神很久了，表白过一次被拒绝了，但是又会经常聊天。今天跟其聊天，中途有事走开了。我老妈冒充我继续聊，等我回来一看聊天记录，居然答应做我女朋友了，哈哈。老妈你太厉害了。 我只想说两点，1 姜还是老的辣 2 真不愧是亲生的
I had fancied a goddess for a long time. I once confessed my love for her but was rejected, but we kept chatting every now and then. Today, I was chatting with her when something came up, so I had to leave for a while. My mom pretended to be me and continued the chat with her. By the time I came back and checked the chatting records–she HAD agreed to be my girlfriend. Haha! Mom you are awesome! I just wanted to say two things: 1. Aged ginger is more pungent [Chinese proverb]; 2. I’m surely her biological son.
[Note: "Is this her/his biological son/daughter?" is often used as a punchline in Internet jokes "accusing" Chinese parents of being "ruthless".]
Today was for measuring and weighing kids at the kindergarten. After I brought the scale to the classroom, a little boy sneaked to the scale and put one foot on it. When he discovered a number popped up, he immediately summoned his friend, and enthusiastically said, “Come here. Stand on it, and you’ll know how old you are.” I’m deeply defeated by innocence.
[Note: "I'm deeply defeated by innocence" is adapted from a popular pun in a sketch of this year's CCTV Spring Festival Gala, which reads, "打败你的不是天真，是无鞋（无邪）What defeats you is not naivete, but shoelessness (innocence)". Since 无鞋 and 无邪 are homophones (wú xié), it has been trending to say, "I'm defeated by XX's naivete/innocence/cuteness".]