On the bus, an elementary school student held a Winter Break Homework exercise book in his hand and told his mom, “Mom, my winter break homework is too much!” His mom took the exercise book, flipped through a few pages, and then tore it up and threw it out the bus window. The whole bus, including that elementary school student, were stunned. Then his mom nonchalantly said, “If your teacher asks, say dad and mom had a fight, and mom tore up the exercise book.’” What a good mom!
LZ is male. One day at the supermarket, I didn’t want to buy my son an Ultraman toy, so I tricked him by saying, “These are all domestic ones, not powerful. When Daddy has time one day, I’ll go out and capture a wild Ultraman, now that would be powerful… Now every morning at six o’clock, he is all dressed up standing by my bed urging me to go catch one… my damn big mouth!…A wild Ultraman can’t be handled…
LZ is female, sharing an apartment with a senior sister [a respectful way to address a female classmate or schoolmate older than oneself]. Today, She sighed while trying arduously to open the cap of a bottle of yogurt, “Every time I can’t open the cap, I feel I lack a man.” I quietly took the yogurt from her hand, tore off the sealing strip under the yogurt cap, gently opened the cap, and then handed it over to her. In extreme astonishment, she said to herself, “So, what I lack is actually a brain…”
Can anyone be more embarrassed than me? Cut…[an expression widely used on this site to divide background information and the funny part of the joke] Last night my company put on a performance and I borrowed some ancient Chinese costumes. When I came home at night, I wanted to scare my wife, so I put on the nocturnal subterfuge clothes before I entered the building. Just before I opened the door to scare my wife, the neighbor opposite us happened to come out and kick me from behind. Tears…
In front of the school ATM was a long line. Taking a closer look, there was a xiaohei [little black dog] in the line. The doggy consciously stood in line and moved forward space by space. When it was its turn, it self-consciously wagged its tail and then walked away. A guy in the back said, “He discovered he didn’t bring the card.” No card, card…
At the end of last year, I had bought a little turtle for my daughter. Over the Spring Festival, it died in my care. Afraid my daughter would be sad, I kept it a secret and didn’t tell her. Just now, she collected a few small stones and told me she’s bringing them home for the little turtle. I said the little turtle was gone and she asked why. I answered: “Sorry, the little turtle died under mommy’s care.” Dudu [the daughter's nickname] wept quietly for a moment, and then pitifully said to me, “Mommy, be more careful. Don’t accidentally kill me!” Me: “…”
Last night after working overtime I came out to get a taxi home. After over 10 minutes later, there was finally a taxi driver that was willing to take me and my less than four kilometer fare. After I got on the taxi, the shifu [literally "master", a respectful way to address a male taxi driver] began passing on his wisdom to me. “Always get rejected by taxis, right? In the future, get a small trolley case to put your computer inside. Then stand by the street looking like this and the taxis will all be fighting to stop in front of you to take you as a fare, thinking you’re going to the airport, but the moment you get on and they ask, you tell them it’s Unity Lake [a place name, a destination nearby]—[and they can only] cry!”…Shifu, you are such a good friend…the conscience of the profession!
This one was stolen from someone else: One time, a co-worker’s father-in-law had passed away, and we went to offer our condolences. A dude who was late came in holding his cheek, indignantly saying, “Tooth hurts, just took a taxi here from the hospital. After getting on the taxi, I was in so much pain it was unbearable, so I lay down in the back seat and told the taxi to go to the crematorium. That mean driver said to me, ‘Brother, sure you don’t want to try another hospital first?’”
Q: Why hasn’t the United Nations taken a stand with regards to this time’s Diaoyu Islandsincident? A: When there’s a conflict between a small country and another small country and the United Nations mediates, the conflict disappears. When a small county and a big country has a conflict, and the United Nations mediates, the small country disappears. When a big country and another big country has a conflict, and the United Nations mediates, the United Nations disappears.”
问：‘为何至此联合国都没对此次钓鱼岛事件表个态？’ 答：‘小国和小国之间有矛盾，联合国一调解，矛盾没了。 小国和大国之间有矛盾，联合国一调解，小国没了。 大国和大国之间有矛盾，联合国一调解，联合国没了。’
This dog has been mistakenly thrown into the washing machine N times. It’s said he now can laugh in the face of death~