Jokes

Grandpa’s Sweat

Grandpa passed away. His body was placed in a freezer. Many people came to mourn him. Before his dead body was moved to the coffin, the freezer was turned off and slowly brought to room temperature, so water drops appeared on grandpa’s face. The grandson saw that and asked his grandma: Why is Papa sweating? Grandma replied: Oh that’s fine. It’s the first time that Papa passed away. He is a little nervous.

外公去世了,遗体摆在冰箱里。很多人前来悼念,准备入殓时,冰箱关闭正在退冰,外公脸上出现水滴。孙子看见了去问外婆:为什么阿公在流汗?外婆说:没有啦,阿公第一次死掉会紧张嘛。

 Xiami

Jokes

The Importance of a Teacher

After Qi Tongwei [a character in the popular TV show In the Name of People] married Teacher Liang, he became the head of the provincial Party government department;
After Gao Yuliang married Teacher Wu, he became the deputy secretary of the provincial Party committee;
After Macron married Teacher Bu [Brigitte], he became the president.
—On the importance of a teacher

Gao Yuliang eventually divorced Teacher Wu and married the younger Gao Xiaofeng. In the end he got 19 years of jail time;
Qi Tongwei seemed to be in harmony but actually at variance with Teacher Liang. He had a secret affair with Gao Xiaoqin. In the end he killed himself with a bullet.
Conclusion: If you marry your teacher, you will win success and recognition; if you divorce your teacher, you will lose all standing and reputation!
—Again, on the importance of a teacher

Jokes

Cool Moms

Hahaha such moms are so cool [哈哈][哈哈] ​​​​

I overheard two aunts [middle-aged women] talking while taking a walk in the park after dinner. Aunt A asked: You daughter must be 29 now, right? How come she hasn’t found a husband? And you don’t give her a push either. Aunt B answered: She does not want to get married. Aunt A was very surprised after hearing that: Not wanting to get married? What is she going to do after she gets old? Aunt B answered: When she is old, I will be dead already. Why do I have to care so much about that?

My aunt: Why is Little Huang still unmarried? Look at Tingting (her daughter). She went to find dates as soon as I asked her to. My mom: Right. Tingting has had this strength since she was a kid. She eats everything you give her. Not picky at all. #Oh the mouths of middle-aged women#

WeChat conversation:

A: [cp] When you look for boyfriends, never tell him you are crazy about any star. Just tell him you love travelling and you will go to several places every year. Tell him you love collecting stuff. Occasionally you will receive odd packets. Tell him you love making friends and have some girls whom you love chatting with on line. You love a certain color and get stoked as soon as you see it. You love sports and have to go to the stadium several times. When you successfully get the guy, then you can tell him: I am a crazy fan. So what…Of course, if you see someone you don’t like, you can tell him up front you are a crazy fan and you are a brain-damaged avid fan 24 hours a day. [微笑] [/cp]

B: Thank you mom.

@一起神回复
哈哈哈这样的妈妈很酷了[哈哈][哈哈] ​​​​

Jokes

Period Fiasco

The finals were just over. I, a junior high school student, was taking care of my 5-year-old brother (a little brat) at home during the break when my period came. Coincidentally, the restroom door was broken at the same time…While I was changing that thing, my brother came in…and then he exited screaming at the top of his lungs. The saddest part is he called 110…telling them “my sister is trying to kill herself in the restroom.” The local police came in less than five minutes and my parents also came home…the neighbors were startled too. So embarrassing.

Note: It’s important to teach little boys what menstruation is…

Jokes

Wallace Chung’s Father

wallaces-father

 

Seeing Shuishui [a Wallace fan] had bought so many [Wallace] albums, I recalled a little story from the past. My little sister was working at KPS [Video Express, a Hong Kong-based multimedia store which sold and rented videos, CDs and movies], there was an uncle [a polite way of addressing an older male to show respect] who often went to her store to buy Wallace’s albums. One time, my sister asked him out of curiosity why he bought so many albums every time Wallace dropped a new album. She asked if that uncle was Wallace’s fan. The uncle said no. Then my sister questioned, “If you are not a fan, why do you buy so many of his albums?” The uncle answered my sister, “Because Wallace Chung is my son. I want to support him with my action, haha!”

Source: Weibo

[Note: This annecdote is incredibly touching. Wallace’s father originally objected to Wallace’s career goal of being a dancer, but the power of love as well as Wallace’s hard work transcend all the disagreements…]

wallaces-parents
Wallace Chung’s parents attended his fan meet in Hangzhou on June 8, 2014.  
Jokes, Pictures, Quips

Honor Board

The Honor Board from a high school contains the pictures and comments of the top 50 students on a comprehensive exam:

honor-board-02

The Indians are god, igniting the fire of Math.

—Zheng XX; Score: 666; Ranking: No. 23

Math is fire, turning on the light of Physics.

—Shan XX; Score: 665; Ranking: No. 24

honor-board-03

Physics is the light, illuminating the path to Chemistry.

—Deng XX; Score: 662; Ranking: No. 30

Chemistry is the path, leading to the pit of Biology.

—Fang XX; Score: 662; Ranking: 30

Biology is the pit where the Natural Science students are buried.

—Zheng XX; Score: 661; Ranking: 31

honor-board-01

Yu XX’s words:

The first time (Score: 595.5; Ranking: No. 25):

A time will come for me to ride the wind and cleave the waves.

[Note: The above comment is quoted from the poem “Hard Is The Road Of The World” by Li Bai.]

The second time (Score: 608.5; Ranking: No. 33):

Let me repeat this: A time will come for me to ride the wind and cleave the waves.

The third time (Score: 598.5; Ranking: No. 24):

This is the third time that I say this: A time will come for me to ride the wind and cleave the waves.

Source: Weibo